Eating Habits
by Write No More
Summary: The Autobots intrude on our favorite snacking humans, only to find a sight ever more horrifying than Megatron himself. With a good, long, hard, deep look, things take a drastic turn as hilarity and torture ensue for absolutely no good reason, whatsoever.


It was just a normal day for the Samuel Archibald Witwicky. Beams of light poured through the open kitchen window, a wide array of beautiful shades of red and orange revealing themselves over the hills. A calm and gentle breeze rustled the trees outside. Sam Witwicky was just enjoying another breakfast alone. Bumblebee's systems went online before he transformed.

"Morning, Sammy," sang Bumblebee, looking through the window.

Sam jumped, screaming. "Don't DO that, Bee! You almost gave me a heart attack."

Bumblebee snickered. "Breakfast? Isn't it a bit late for that?"

"It's never too late! Look, homemade style flapjacks and waffles…"

"Flapjacks?" Bumblebee curiously asked.

"Pancakes, hotcakes, they're all the same thing. With just a little syrup drizzled on," Sam declared. Bumblebee stared at the steaming pile of pancakes, baffling at the intense amount of sticky, gloppy, sugar filled Aunt Jemima syrup being poured upon in large masses. "Sam, isn't that enough?"

"Don't worry, Bee. I have this all the time."

Bumblebee winced, exclaiming, "You're going to put honey AND butter on it?"

"Totally! You can't have it with a slice of butter," Sam said, throwing the entire stick of butter onto his plate. "Why do you ask?"

"N – Nothing!"

Sam had devoured the meal, wiping away the leftover sticky substances from his lips.

"Ah…Now onto next part of Sam Witwicky's Breakfast Special! Uh, Bee, your optic is twitching."

"I – I'm fine…" In reality, our poor Bee was far from fine. How could he allow Sam to be eating this…this…disgusting unhealthy junk food? He wouldn't allow it, he couldn't allow it! Sam dipped his bread into the egg yolks, with broken and oozed over the gooey raw egg whites of the plate. Bread crumbs stuck to the material, drying into a crusty layer on the plate. Bacon and sausages were frying on a skillet, soaking in the oil and butter.

Bumblebee yelped, staring.

"You say something, Bee?"

"N – NO!" he shrieked. "Sam, I can't take it anymore. Look at what you're eating!"

"Good old fashioned breakfast, Bee. What's wrong?"

"The butter, the syrup, the oil, the sugar! It's unbearably unhealthy. As your guardian, I suggest you try some of this," Bumblebee shrieked, reaching into the cabinet with a finger, pulling out raisin bran. "Yuck, Bee! That stuff is NASTY! Besides, I can't possibly miss out on the omelets. Not to mention the cake…"

THUD.

Bumblebee had subsequently off lined. In human terms, rather, Bumblebee had fainted.

"Bee? You okay out there?" Sam asked loudly.

Silence.

He shrugged. "I was going to get some hotdogs later, but…"

Meanwhile, let's go check up and see what Annabelle Lennox and Ironhide are doing. Ah, there they are.

A perfect Sunday morning for the family. Sarah had to run out, making Ironhide Annabelle's babysitter.

"No cannons, Ironhide."

"Unless Annabelle is in danger. Like if a snake comes to bite her…"

"No cannons," Sarah firmly said.

"Right."

"I expect you to be on your best behavior for Uncle Hide, alright?"

Cheerful, adorable, innocent Annabelle hugged her stuffed pony with, "Yes, mommy!"

During the day, Annabelle had gone into the kitchen for a snack.

"No junk food," reminded Ironhide through the open window.

"Ah, don't worry Uncle. Mom doesn't mind if I eat some Jell-O. We all love Jell-O in the Lennox family!"

Ironhide curiously asked, "What is Jell-O?"

Annabelle gasped, "How can you not know the best treat in the whole wide universe?"

Ironhide scanned the gelatin to ensure Annabelle's safety. What if the food had been poisoned? Uncle Ironhide shuttered his optics twice in shock. "Err, Annabelle. Did you ever wonder what Jell-O is made out of?"

The girl shrugged, spooning in another large chunk of the Jell-O. "It says here that it is created by using collagen."

"That's nice."

"Collagen extracted from living beings."

"Uh huh."

"Collagen extracted from horses."

Annabelle paused. "What's collagen again?"

"The connective tissues in bone marrow, organs, and occasionally the intestines of domesticated animals. And horses," Uncle Ironhide read from the internet.

Annabelle looked at the cup of Jell-O in hand with disbelief. "You mean I've been eating…"

Uncle Ironhide nodded solemnly. There was a silent clatter as the spoon fell to the wooden floors of the silent home of the Lennox's. Annabelle looked to her stuffed pet pony for one moment before screeching horrifically, terrorizing poor Uncle Ironhide's audio receptors.

"MOMMY! DADDY!"

Let's see how Optimus and the others are doing at NEST's base. William Lennox and Robert Epps were glad to have a day off from kicking Decepticon aft. It was good to be able to sit back, relax, and watch football while eating their favorite snacks.

"Potato chips?" Optimus asked slowly with curiosity.

"Yep. Never heard of them, have you big guy?"

"Honestly, no. But why do humans indulge in these unnecessary frivolities?"

Lennox and Epps gasped, both hugging their extra large bag of Lays in their arms while cooing, "Optimus didn't mean it!"

"You can't say that to the potato chips, man! They got FEELINGS," Epps dramatically exploded. "Oh, Optimus, how could you be so cruel?"

"Are they not simply inanimate 'junk foods'?"

Optimus was worried. The deep fat fried snacks must have been getting to the soldiers. And NEST couldn't have that.

"I can see that these so called 'potato chips' are not very healthy physically and mentally. Ratchet! Dispose of these immediately."

"Wait, what? We were just playing around, Optimus! Don't do this!"

"You got it, Boss!" Ratchet enthusiastically crushed the bag of their beloved potato chips. Lennox and Epps felt their heart break. "Have a carrot and celery!" advised Ratchet.

And so, the accomplished, brave, courageous members of the United States Army were reduced to tearful and shattered, broken pieces of their former glory.

Wheelie and Mikaela sat in the repair shop. Wheelie, a former Decepticon, was absorbed in his Warrior Goddess, gazed. "What is THAT?"

Mikaela paused. "It's a hotdog, Wheelie," giggled the teenage girl. She had gotten used to Wheelie. He was almost a pet. But still a guardian. Wheelie's dated scanners could still read the food item. "You know what that stuff is made out of, right? Warrior Goddess?"

Mikaela stopped again. "Yeah. So?"

Wheelie jumped up, snatching the hotdog before she could take a bite. "I can't have my Warrior Goddess eating this garbage!"

It was a quiet evening at NEST's base. Until there was a loud screech of wheels and the faint cries of Sam. "Put me DOWN, Bumblebee! What are you DOING? Why are we HERE?"

"Oh, Primus! Optimus, Ratchet, it was horrible! You should have seen what Sam had been eating!" Bumblebee frantically screeched. "We have to get him something healthy, NOW!"

"Ratchet, help me calm this child!" Ironhide bellowed. Annabelle was still in tears. Her father, William, came sprinting over. "Honey, what's wrong?"

"I've been eating HORSES and you weren't telling me?"

"Guys, guys! You've got to help me," cried a small voice. Under their feet, they saw Wheelie holding the frankfurter in hand. "Mikaela's gone insane, MY Warrior Goddess! She's been brainwashed, I tell you! The crazy bitch wants to eat her hotdog so badly!"

"Wheelie, I'm going to kill you!" screeched the distressed woman.

Optimus stood in the middle of the confrontation silent as ever. He pinched the bridge of his nose before kneeling, slamming his head against the closed hangar doors again and again.

"ENOUGH!" bellowed Optimus Prime.

Everyone froze. No one dared to move a muscle. No one dared to budge. No one dared to speak. They had done it now! Mikaela released her chokehold on Wheelie, Bumblebee let Sam go, and Ironhide, Lennox and his sweet little daughter simply stopped crying. An empty silence loomed over the hangar, thin as glass.

"Why don't we all have a nice chat over this at dinner? I called pizza," declared Epps.

Needless to say, there was no second thought as all the soldiers and civilians ran for the table. The Autobots stood dumbfounded, with one thought in their mind, "What's pizza?" Their jaws dropped when the saw the triangular pieces of uncooked bread topped with stringy cheese, oozing with mozzarella and pepperoni slices completely soaked in oil. How could they be eating this garbage and LIKING it? How could their beloved human allies and closest friends be crass enough to purchase and consume it? It was disgusting, it was horrific, it was primitive, it was barbaric, yet it was amazing at the same time! The Autobot's optics visibly twitched as they forced themselves with all the willpower an Autobot had to not come charging in, cannons and blades charged up.

"Sam," whimpered Bumblebee. "I'm really worried."

"About the pizza?"

"No – yes, but also about you! This is unhealthy."

"Oh, we don't eat it EVERY day. It's called regulation," Mikaela added, biting off another stringy piece of cheese.

Bumblebee twitched, flinching at each and every single bite they took. The Autobots looked at each other and knew: something HAD to be done.

"Sam, no more pizza!" Bumblebee grabbed Sam. "Let's go home."

Sam had soundlessly woken up, sneaking downstairs quietly. Bumblebee's audio receptors picked up a faint, barely noticeable sound.

Crunch, crunch, crunch…

Sam relished the salty, fried goodness of the potato chips.

"THIS IS BUMBLEBEE! PUT THE POTATO CHIPS, DOWN AND PUT YOUR HANDS, UP!" blared Bumblebee, shouting through a megaphone much too small for his giant Autobot hand that he held between his thumb and pinky.

Sam shrilly screamed, throwing his hands as high into the air as he could.

"I'm confiscating these."

Sam sadly watched his snack being dropped into the trash.

I can live with this, Sam thought to himself. "Okay then!" There was a hiss of gas escaping from the aluminum can that Sam opened before he chugged and guzzled down the soda pop.

"SAM!" bellowed the concerned guardian. Bumblebee crushed the drink in his giant hand.

Sam groaned.

If you think Sam's having a rough day, check out NEST's base of operations!

"Will!" called Robert Epps.

"Yeah?"

"Where all the snacks?"

"What are you talking about?"

Then, it dawned on both of them.

Ironhide was outside, enjoying himself and his new targets. "Ironhide, have you seen all the snacks?" asked Lennox frantically.

"Not at all," calmly replied Ironhide.

"Wait, where'd you get all those practice targets?"

"Oh, these?" Ironhide held up a pack Annabelle's hated Jell-O. Their jaws dropped, speechless. "Optimus gave a whole bunch for me to use!" Ironhide proudly declared, throwing them into the air before blasting the sweet, chocolate fudge pudding into space. "Bull's eye!" he cheered.

"Ironhide, give them back! Uh, we need them. BADLY," Lennox growled.

"Sorry! Used them all up!"

Their hearts sank. They had fought terrorists around the globe, they had fought giant alien robots. But nothing had prepared them for this. No briefing, no equipment, no gear. Lennox and Epps tearfully looked at each other before wailing, sobbing as they wrapped their arms around each other's shoulders.

"What's got THEM so worked up?" Ironhide thought aloud.

"Don't fret, you two. Luckily, I got you all some new snacks," beamed Ratchet.

They perked up. Could it be that Ratchet was their savior?

"We have enough fruits and vegetables to feed a whole army. So eat up! As the humans say, 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away!' Of course, it won't keep me away," Ratchet sinisterly cackled.

Lennox and Epps began to bite into the apples with a groan.

Think as soldiers, you two! You'll find a way out of this.

Wheelie sat with Mikaela, his Warrior Goddess, and had treated her to healthy frozen yogurt. She spooned more of the delicious frozen yogurt.

"Mm, I never knew this stuff was so good! I wonder how the others are doing with their diet. Hope they're having as much luck as I am. God, I love you, Wheelie."

Wheelie woozily fainted into Mikaela's chest as she embraced the love struck Autobot turned Decepticon.

Sam, however, was not having any good luck.

"Bumblebee, you have to stop this! It's not that funny anymore."

"I'm not stopping until you stop your unhealthy habits."

"Can I have some honey?"

Bumblebee gave in with a sigh. "Fine. What are you having it with?"

"Who else? Myself!" Sam cheered, squirting honey down his throat.

Bumblebee gagged, snatching the bottle of sweet and thick honey from Sam bellowing, "NO HONEY FOR YOU! Instead, have a banana. They have potassium. And, they're yellow," Bumblebee sang the last word.

"A banana?" Sam reluctantly peeled the fruit.

"SAM?" Judy gasped, flabbergasted. "Are you actually EATING fruit?"

Thank God, his mom was here! Here to save him from Bumblebee's wrath. Surely SHE would understand.

"Good for you!" she squealed happily, jumping up and down. "RON! Get the camera! Sam's eating fruit! Oh, thank you so very much, Bumblebee. You're SUCH a thoughtful alien robot; I don't know what to say…"

"No words needed, ma'am. It's my job!" Bumblebee waved a finger, bowing.

Sam let out a low sob.

"Sam? Are you alright?"

"I'm alright, Bee," he wept. "This banana is just so…delicious."

NEST was conduction another operation at the time. Oh NO! Could it BE? Not Decepticons!

Will whispered to Robert, "Hey! I just found out that Optimus kept a few of the snacks."

"Really?" Nearby soldiers looked at them with a funny eye.

"Shush! We can't let them know that we know. You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Operation Snack Retrieval?"

And then, they cued the Mission Impossible theme!

"Here's the plan. We get our squad to create a distraction. In which, we will climb through the ventilation shafts, maneuver our way through to another opening within the halls. Then, you'll kill the electricity and we're FREE to snack!" Will maniacally laughed.

"Couldn't we just…walk in?"

"No, NO, no! My dear friend, no! It must be more complicated than that!" Will slammed his fist down.

Shall we leave Will and Robert to their devious, overcomplicated scheme? Looks like Mikaela and Wheelie are having some fun…

"WHEELIE!" Mikaela panted, running on the treadmill. "WHY. AM. I. DOING. THIS?"

"You didn't think you could eat ALL that frozen yogurt without having to burn it off! My Warrior Goddess must remain hot and sexy at all times!" Wheelie declared. "Now RUN!"

It seems as if Sam's had a change of heart.

"Strawberries?" asked Bumblebee, aghast, while propping his head by the window sill on his servos.

Sam popped another sweet, ripe, and deep red strawberry into his mouth topped with something us humans like to call whipped cream. "Of course, Bee! Why wouldn't I listen to the best alien robot guardian in the whole universe?" Sam beamed.

Bumblebee's pride swelled, his ego getting to the best of him. "Mm, healthy sure does taste sweet. I'm glad I listened to you!"

"Why, you're very welcome, Sammy!" Bumblebee grinned, face plates almost about to fall off his jaw.

Unfortunately for Sam and luckily for Bumblebee, they had both least expected Sam's mother. "SAM! Where's the whipped cream?" called the woman.

"RAN OUT!" yelled Sam.

"You said you JUST went to the store to buy some!" Judy shouted.

Sam's heart and Bumblebee's Spark froze, stopping momentarily before beating and pulsating once more.

Bumblebee narrowed his optics. He quietly said, "You lied."

Our favorite human, Sam, sat terrified, nearly petrified on the recliner before lunging at the can of whipped cream to squeeze the very last bit of the whipped cream into his mouth before he squeaked his very last words before his inevitable death.

"Shit."

Poor Bumblebee, his Spark broken into shattered pieces and his trust broken!

Sam, ashamed and also speechless at the audacity of his actions, begged for forgiveness and apologized, "I'm sorry, Bee."

Little did Sam know, Bumblebee was concocting a plan for his charge's rehabilitation. Step by step wasn't going to cut it. Deprivation was drastic, but favorable and was in question. And that's when Bumblebee reached in, snatching up Sam in his servo.

"What are you doing, Bee?"

Ooh, things don't look like they're going to end very well for either of them, nor did it seem that things were going to end soon. Let's check up on Mikaela and Wheelie!

Mikaela yawned as she stepped into the kitchen, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes, and reached for a donut in her pantry.

A shriek.

She pulled back her hand and frowned. She reached for the donut again.

Another shriek.

She grabbed the donut.

"WARRIOR GODDESS, NO!" howled Wheelie, who came screeching out in an overly dramatic and slow motion fashion, diving for the donut. "DON'T EAT IT!"

Mikaela anticipated her guardian's obsession over her, snatched the donut into the air. Wheelie, needless to say, crashed into the next room.

"How the fuck did you get here so fast?" she exclaimed.

Wheelie popped up from under the cardboard boxes. "I camped out in the cupboards last night to make sure you weren't getting a midnight snack. Sometimes, I watch you when you sleep and…"

Mikaela held up a hand, closing her eyes with a long shudder and a sigh before snapping, "You are going to go and do whatever you usually do all day long, and I'm going to get up, leave this house, eat this donut, and we will never speak of this ever again and pretend that I didn't hear you say that."

"Say what?"

"What you said before I said that."

"What was that?"

"That."

"I'm confused!" Wheelie was definitely confused.

"And I'm LEAVING," Mikaela irritably finished.

"But Warrior Goddess!" Wheelie began to whine.

"Wheelie, I've got to get to Sam's house, it's like ten miles away from here. Let's be considerate and NOT keep him waiting!" Mikaela demanded, biting into the donut. "Damn it, where are my keys? He's not going to be happy when I'm late. Wheelie, have you seen my keys?"

Wheelie grinned, dangling them on a robotic digit before tossing them down the drain of the sink. "Whoops! Guess you're walking, Warrior Goddess. It's going to take a while before you can call for some services," he sang.

"WHEELIE!" she screeched.

"But look at it THIS way. At least you'll burn off that donut."

And with that, Wheelie very so cleverly rolled away.

What's that? The Mission Impossible theme? Will and Robert must be plotting.

"Alpha to Bravo, do you copy?" came a voice over the radio. It must be Will!

"Damn it, Will. Do we have to have these stupid codenames?" Robert growled.

"Roger that, Robert. It's essential for this plan. Now are you in place?"

"I still can't believe I'm doing this just for a couple of snacks…," he muttered to himself.

Will quietly snuck away. Through the winding maze-like vents our soldier went, crawling for the sake of quenching their snack cravings. Thoughts of unhealthy, fattening crunchy chips and beer filled his mind. "If my calculations are correct, the snacks should be directly under me!"

CRASH! goes the ventilation cover. To Will's surprise, Optimus Prime and Ratchet sat quietly, sipping cups of energon.

"Hello," Optimus curtly greeted him.

Will squeaked, scrambling away. But not before Ratchet bellowed, "Have some vegetables!"

The laughter and embarrassment died away. Robert found his comrade, lying very perfectly still with a variety of vegetables crammed in his mouth. "Dude, what happened?"

Will spat, "Robbie? Does God hate me?"

"Nope. Just the Autobots."

**Author's Note: Tell me more food ideas in a review! **


End file.
